Thursday 23 May 2013

Poetic disaster

"Nobody ever cared for me as you do. Nobody ever wanted me as much as you do. I have never felt the way I do when I am next to you. Good things come our way but we are sceptic and we don't believe that these are real. I try not to break at the thought you'll leave me. Lying and deceiving is not who I want to be. Trusting you is hard because it means I have to forget and forgive all the bad things that happened to me. I hate to say I'm sorry because I hate the feeling of guilt. I hate lies and I hate this part of me that doesn't trust you. I hate this part that tries so hard not to care. I hate the fact I've hurt you. I hate the fact I might lose you.
Maybe I should get drunk. Maybe I should get high. Run and hide. Maybe I should get my head out of this cloud and focus on my studies. Fuck! I'd rather die right here than be without you and I know it's a bit melodramatic and quite sad but I've never loved this way. 
It's funny how love hurts. It's amazing how pride disappears. It's unraveling how all this put in balance fits. "

Wednesday 1 May 2013

Untitled


,, Madly in love’’ is a catch-phrase in my life these days. The soul feels good. Body aches for that touch and my heart races at the mention of that one particular name. My mind… Oh, my mind is the leader of this incredible (some would say foolish) adventure called ‘’Free falling’’. J

For years, I was uninterested in feelings, both mine and of others. Going through life mechanically, refusing to connect was my way of saying ‘’Fuck you!’’ to the world. Considering all men are shit while humming Christina’s 90’s hit ‘’CAN’T HOLD US DOWN!’’ I entered into the sexist battlefield long before I was ready to face the music. Even so, I didn't care. Well, that non-caring grew into me so deep that I was able, with just one auto-suggestion, to erase the very existence of any feelings what so ever. Sometimes through jokes and laughter, other times through psychological analyzing and criticism somehow I always succeeded in moving on after I crushed another of hearts. Playing games was easy because it didn't involve any emotional implication. And boy was I the shit. Wrong! A scared little girl behind a mask of a self-satisfied, egocentric, vain and manipulative ‘’Oh, please call me Bitch’’ was all I was. And I didn't want to be that anymore.

At the age of 23, not even a year ago, my heart was broken by a guy who, I thought, didn't deserve me. However, I believed what they say about karma so after each cry I smiled, knowing I do have a heart, not giving a rats ass about all the hurt I felt. The paradox mother Theresa wrote about, the one where she says if you love it hurts and the more you love the more it hurts until it hurts no more and all you feel is love. I guess that’s what happened to me. M., you remember her? She helped me realize only cowards run from love. I love you M., you made me change my ways and attract the most beautiful thing into my life.

Today I'm here. I never saw it coming and I don’t speak of it, except in writing. It’s different from anything I've ever felt. I feel with every inch of my body this emotion. Each and every time our eyes meet there is this understanding, like an agreement between two souls that found in each other everything they were searching for. He truly completes me. It’s intense and it makes me a slave and a Queen at the same time. And all it took was for me to be just that - me, 100% me. 


With love,

Cuca



P.S. Don’t mention this one; I am not ready to speak of it yet. J


Friday 26 April 2013

Almost there


,, I can’t fit inside that box that you put me in. I've outgrown it, don’t feel good against my skin and I think I´m in love with the lyrics all over again, they fit like a fresh fit. Take what it is you may need from me but let me keep my right to do it my way and live it how I like… can I reserve my eyes to see it how I might?
They think they know better about what’s good for me! Please! Sweep your own voice before you can preach into me. Nobody really knows it all and those in front of all should sit down and learn from y’all. ''

Bukowski said that you can begin saving the world by saving one man at a time and that everything else is grandiose romanticism or politics. But what happens when you are the one who needs saving? Of course, you won’t admit it to others. However, you have to admit it to yourself. Only then can you actually save yourself.

Ever since I was little I noticed I was different from other kids. Living in a 37 square meters with three very different women, all of those related closely to me; taught by my mother about life, honesty, respect, integrity, good manners… and travelling to visit my dad first in Budapest, and later in Bucharest. They divorced when I was three years old. There were no fights, no drama… I guess they realized it was best for them to part their ways. Later, they both met their soul-mates and at the same time stayed friends. So, I can’t say I suffered from that situation. However, I always used it to my advantage.
School was easy for me and I was bored by it. So, I dodged it whenever I could. Just couldn’t see the reason why I should sit at home and study when there were so many other fun things to do, see and explore. Even so, whenever my mom asked me where do I see myself in the future I always told her: ,,Don’t worry, I know I’ll be fine.’’ She raised me using unusual methods… While my friends were lying to their parents I was treating the matter differently. At first I was afraid of my mom so I wasn’t lying to her and then I started questioning her authority, provoking huge fights and building my persona through our difficult relationship. At times I was convinced I hated her, I even blamed her for all the stupid choices I made. Truth be told, she didn’t make it easy on us. Neither have I. We weren’t friends and she was pressing her authority on me making me allergic to any kind of authority later in life. I didn’t understand it at that time but she did me a huge favor. She built an independent character. There is one more thing she did, firstly for her and then for us, her children. After her first faculty she enrolled into second and became a psychotherapist. Change was noticeable when I came back from USA. Even the food she was making was different. I always had a lot to learn from her but now, with this new perspective, she changed the curse of our lives. Being a receptive (selective) sponge, cause that’s what I am, I started learning and picking up everything from A to Z and then, again, repeating the same pattern of behavior, used it to my advantage. Working my way through Freud, Jung, and mind games, social games I started developing a new way of life... However, something was missing in my equation.

The other parts of my personality developed when I decided that I should learn from my father as well. In life, nothing goes away until it teaches you what you need to know and it’s only up to you to make it count. I guess I got tired of running and making up excuses. I opened my eyes and looked very closely at my father. I saw a lot of him in me during the years but never really wanted to face the facts. It was easier to blame him. Repeated patterns of behavior still weren't doing me any favors. So I stopped and I slapped myself really hard. WAKE UP! WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?! The beauty of having him as a father is that he lets me make mistakes and waits until I realize by myself that something needs to change. Yes! I was harsh on myself. I lied, cheated and deceived myself by choosing destruction over construction. I was afraid and it was easier to run. However, I realized the wrongs of my doings and changed the main thing. It wasn't important anymore who I am and where I come from, so I forgave and forgot; the only thing that mattered is WHO I WANT TO BE AND WHERE DO I WANT TO GET!

Friends,
The only thing that matters is how well you walk through fire (Bukowski). We all have a past but if we let it define us we will stay stuck in reverse. Choose your destiny by carefully choosing a framework of mind. If you believe you can do it, nothing can stop you. There is no one who can feel it the way you do and you should be brave and protective of yourself. Attention, not by closing yourself and building walls - you’ll feel lonely, but by living and loving every bit of your life and people in it. You should live your life in harmony with your thoughts and feelings. You should be very aware that you are entirely responsible for your doings!  
Be careful what you wish for. It comes true! Thoughts are the most powerful thing so use them wisely.
And if you wonder why the hell I just spilled all my life on here, remember that I just don’t care. ;)

Have a great May! Until next time…
Yours truly,
Cuca

Wednesday 3 April 2013

Rootless Tree

,, No, I had to fall for this. I had to fall for you. When nothing feels right I go back in time and remember how it felt the first time I realized… But then my brain screams: It’s wrong, you fool! And then I try to push it out. It’s just that time of year. It brings a lot of intense emotions. Searching for excuses to masquerade the fact I have fallen for you long before I realized. And it makes me cry. It even makes me shout. Cause this thing right here can’t be. It’s not right. But I’ll fight the world for you. Each time our eyes meet I just wonder can you see this thing I feel… No way! I can’t say it. It’s a road to hell, you and me. Even if it stops for a second, for a minute, I know seeing you will only bring it back all at once, twice as hard. I can’t have peace. From your eyes, the mimic of your face to those lips; kindness of your heart and all the deception it survived. All I see is all I won’t have. It’s more than physical, gets me higher than any drug. Mentally I am yours. Raw and true, we build our tower on sandy grounds because we don’t believe. All this analyzing… spinning circles in my mind; will I read between the lines? Will I suddenly find you here by my side? All these questions… And then they say I should wait. Wait for what? You don’t know how to feel, do you?  You do feel the same, don’t you? But it’s wrong, oh so wrong… and it could ruin worlds.

As I whisper so slowly in my mind all those things I never said I wonder is this you telling me to wait… Is this me standing on a crossroad between reality and raw love? Can I hang onto the feeling I have when I am next to you?


Oh! Snap out of it, you fool! Get over it, idiot! I tell myself whatever I need so I feel in control. So I feel like this thing right here is just something that needs to die.

Let’s never speak of it again. ‘’



Sometimes, like today, when I listen to Damien I feel this raw emotion, so powerful it could kill me. I smile a bit, dream with my eyes wide open… and I forget what a sarcastic bitch I can be. Past, I forgive you if you forgive me. Present, I embrace thee. Who says music can’t make your imagination run wild?


With love,
Cuca